Happy New (but Prophesied to be the Last) Year!

No matter what happens, the sun will rise again! After all, tomorrow IS another day!

Here it is, folks: 2012! Oh no! Run to the bunker! What if the Mayans were right and all things come to an end this year? Are you prepared? 

When it comes to being prepared, I’ve come to the conclusion that there are really only two things we need to be prepared for:

1. Zombies

2. Jesus

The preparation for these two are quite different. Let’s look at what we need to do in order to be ready in case there’s a zombie apocalypse:

• Buy a lot of land, preferably in the middle of nowhere. If there’s a hill or small mountain in the middle of that land, it would be good. Several hundred acres should do.
• Build a labyrinth of underground passages and chambers beneath the surface of your land. Building inside the hill would be even better, as you can devise several escape routes at ground level (just make sure those escape routes are very well hidden, so the zombies can’t find them). For tips on how to build inside a hill, check out “The Hobbit.”
• On top of your hill build a nice house. Nothing too pretentious: you don’t want to draw the attention of the zombies or the government. This house will be livable, but will primarily be a decoy. Inside the house you will have a  top secret elevator that takes you down into your tippy top secret bunker.
• Be sure to include in your house design a Faraday box of some sort – perhaps built within the walls and ceiling of the house. Check out this awesome Aussie survivalist site: http://www.aussurvivalist.com/nuclear/empprotection.htm
• Take the time now to study the amateur radio operator’s handbook and become a Ham radio operator. Learn Morse code. After all, it worked on “Independence Day.”
• Start stockpiling food and water NOW. When your bunker/house/compound is finished being built, transfer all of your stockpiled goods into the “non-perishable foods” room underground. Think big: install several large walk-in refrigerators and freezers (don’t worry about how they’ll be powered – well get to that later).
• Be sure to include an armory in your bunker. Watch “Tremors” for some tips on what a bunker armory should have.
• An exercise room would be a good idea as well. Keep in shape using a treadmill, rowing machine, elliptical, and a small wave pool for doing laps. Stay healthy by installing sauna and steam rooms. A hot tub would also be nice, for those days when you are feeling stressed out because of the zombies eating your friends and family.
• Your radio room, or “Ham shack” should be fitted with an extra Faraday cage around it. You might want to call this room the “Comm Center.” You can even call yourself “Captain Kirk” if you want. You can call your spouse or partner “Sulu.” Then, when you have to leave the Comm Center, you can tell him or her: “Sulu, you’ve got the Comm.” Whatever you do, though, DON’T wear a red shirt.
• The perimeter of your property should be laced with land mines, preferably as far away from your underground bunker as possible. During the building of your decoy house, you should have several large trenches dug around the boarders of the property. Each trench will serve a different purpose: one should be fitted with sharp pointy lances to impale any zombies who wander onto your land; another should be soaked in some kind of flammable liquid, in order to ignite it and burn any zombies who make it past the lances; another could be filled with swamp water and alligators. Use your imagination! Naturally, you’ll have twelve-foot chain link fencing with razor wire surrounding all 200 acres. If you have the time and resources, I highly recommend building a twenty-foot concrete wall around the property. With razor wire on top, of course. Install surveillance cameras every twenty feet or so.
• It might not be a bad idea to attach a sort of “trip wire” as a last barrier. Put it at neck height – the zombies will walk into it and get clotheslined, which will remove their heads, rendering them more harmless. Make sure the trip wire – or “decapitation wire” – is very sharp.
• The amount of goods you’ll need to survive will depend entirely on how long the zombies are wandering around. Remember that zombies won’t be your only threat: anyone who knows about your compound will want to flee to your property for safety. If you want to be Helpy McHelperton, by all means, let them in. Just remember: the more mouths you have to feed, the sooner you’ll run out of food.
• It might be advantageous to find property that’s near the shore or a very large body of water. Build an underground passage that you can use if you need to flee your property. It should lead directly to the boathouse (which should also be constructed with a Faraday box as its walls and ceiling). You should have a large yacht docked there, fully stocked with several months worth of food. Get a desalination machine, just in case you run low on drinkable water. You should have a large desalination machine in your compound.
• Speaking of the compound, you’ll want to fit the roof of the decoy house with solar panels. Make sure you have a well ventilated generator room in the bunker, and have a couple of large gas tanks installed underground. Propane tanks should also be installed.
• Sink several wells so that you have a wide variety of choices for back up. You wouldn’t want to drink the water from a well that a zombie has fallen into, right?
• No matter what happens, do NOT resort to cannibalism. You’d be better off eating your clothes. Speaking of which, make sure you have enough clothing to wear, and invest in some of those shirts made from coconuts. Then you really can eat your shirt, if you have to.
• For your own comfort, don’t be stingy or cheap when it comes to outfitting and decorating your bunker. You might have to live there for a long time! Cover the concrete with sheetrock and paint it or wallpaper it. Make the place cozy and homely. No one wants to hide out in a dank concrete box.

I’m sure I haven’t thought of everything, but I think the above list is a good start. I hope people who read this will contribute more helpful tips!

Now, how to prepare for Jesus:

• Accept Him as your Lord and Savior.

Obviously, the second apocalypse is a lot easier to prepare for.

The new year is only a few hours away – for my area, anyway. It’s already 2012 on the other side of the world.

As for the Mayan calendar that doesn’t read beyond 2012 … I’m not so sure I’d trust people who sacrificed babies to their god, believing they would be blessed in the process. Sure, they were intelligent people, but they were still essentially savages.

Happy New Year!!

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