Happy New (but Prophesied to be the Last) Year!

No matter what happens, the sun will rise again! After all, tomorrow IS another day!

Here it is, folks: 2012! Oh no! Run to the bunker! What if the Mayans were right and all things come to an end this year? Are you prepared? 

When it comes to being prepared, I’ve come to the conclusion that there are really only two things we need to be prepared for:

1. Zombies

2. Jesus

The preparation for these two are quite different. Let’s look at what we need to do in order to be ready in case there’s a zombie apocalypse:

• Buy a lot of land, preferably in the middle of nowhere. If there’s a hill or small mountain in the middle of that land, it would be good. Several hundred acres should do.
• Build a labyrinth of underground passages and chambers beneath the surface of your land. Building inside the hill would be even better, as you can devise several escape routes at ground level (just make sure those escape routes are very well hidden, so the zombies can’t find them). For tips on how to build inside a hill, check out “The Hobbit.”
• On top of your hill build a nice house. Nothing too pretentious: you don’t want to draw the attention of the zombies or the government. This house will be livable, but will primarily be a decoy. Inside the house you will have a  top secret elevator that takes you down into your tippy top secret bunker.
• Be sure to include in your house design a Faraday box of some sort – perhaps built within the walls and ceiling of the house. Check out this awesome Aussie survivalist site: http://www.aussurvivalist.com/nuclear/empprotection.htm
• Take the time now to study the amateur radio operator’s handbook and become a Ham radio operator. Learn Morse code. After all, it worked on “Independence Day.”
• Start stockpiling food and water NOW. When your bunker/house/compound is finished being built, transfer all of your stockpiled goods into the “non-perishable foods” room underground. Think big: install several large walk-in refrigerators and freezers (don’t worry about how they’ll be powered – well get to that later).
• Be sure to include an armory in your bunker. Watch “Tremors” for some tips on what a bunker armory should have.
• An exercise room would be a good idea as well. Keep in shape using a treadmill, rowing machine, elliptical, and a small wave pool for doing laps. Stay healthy by installing sauna and steam rooms. A hot tub would also be nice, for those days when you are feeling stressed out because of the zombies eating your friends and family.
• Your radio room, or “Ham shack” should be fitted with an extra Faraday cage around it. You might want to call this room the “Comm Center.” You can even call yourself “Captain Kirk” if you want. You can call your spouse or partner “Sulu.” Then, when you have to leave the Comm Center, you can tell him or her: “Sulu, you’ve got the Comm.” Whatever you do, though, DON’T wear a red shirt.
• The perimeter of your property should be laced with land mines, preferably as far away from your underground bunker as possible. During the building of your decoy house, you should have several large trenches dug around the boarders of the property. Each trench will serve a different purpose: one should be fitted with sharp pointy lances to impale any zombies who wander onto your land; another should be soaked in some kind of flammable liquid, in order to ignite it and burn any zombies who make it past the lances; another could be filled with swamp water and alligators. Use your imagination! Naturally, you’ll have twelve-foot chain link fencing with razor wire surrounding all 200 acres. If you have the time and resources, I highly recommend building a twenty-foot concrete wall around the property. With razor wire on top, of course. Install surveillance cameras every twenty feet or so.
• It might not be a bad idea to attach a sort of “trip wire” as a last barrier. Put it at neck height – the zombies will walk into it and get clotheslined, which will remove their heads, rendering them more harmless. Make sure the trip wire – or “decapitation wire” – is very sharp.
• The amount of goods you’ll need to survive will depend entirely on how long the zombies are wandering around. Remember that zombies won’t be your only threat: anyone who knows about your compound will want to flee to your property for safety. If you want to be Helpy McHelperton, by all means, let them in. Just remember: the more mouths you have to feed, the sooner you’ll run out of food.
• It might be advantageous to find property that’s near the shore or a very large body of water. Build an underground passage that you can use if you need to flee your property. It should lead directly to the boathouse (which should also be constructed with a Faraday box as its walls and ceiling). You should have a large yacht docked there, fully stocked with several months worth of food. Get a desalination machine, just in case you run low on drinkable water. You should have a large desalination machine in your compound.
• Speaking of the compound, you’ll want to fit the roof of the decoy house with solar panels. Make sure you have a well ventilated generator room in the bunker, and have a couple of large gas tanks installed underground. Propane tanks should also be installed.
• Sink several wells so that you have a wide variety of choices for back up. You wouldn’t want to drink the water from a well that a zombie has fallen into, right?
• No matter what happens, do NOT resort to cannibalism. You’d be better off eating your clothes. Speaking of which, make sure you have enough clothing to wear, and invest in some of those shirts made from coconuts. Then you really can eat your shirt, if you have to.
• For your own comfort, don’t be stingy or cheap when it comes to outfitting and decorating your bunker. You might have to live there for a long time! Cover the concrete with sheetrock and paint it or wallpaper it. Make the place cozy and homely. No one wants to hide out in a dank concrete box.

I’m sure I haven’t thought of everything, but I think the above list is a good start. I hope people who read this will contribute more helpful tips!

Now, how to prepare for Jesus:

• Accept Him as your Lord and Savior.

Obviously, the second apocalypse is a lot easier to prepare for.

The new year is only a few hours away – for my area, anyway. It’s already 2012 on the other side of the world.

As for the Mayan calendar that doesn’t read beyond 2012 … I’m not so sure I’d trust people who sacrificed babies to their god, believing they would be blessed in the process. Sure, they were intelligent people, but they were still essentially savages.

Happy New Year!!

Wine Blogging the SOTUS…

… Because that’s the only way I can watch this fella.

I missed the first half hour. Hold on while I wipe the tears of regret from my eyes.

Okay, Obama is talking. Just a sec while I engage my “bullshit” translator.

7:03pm – John Kerry and John McCain sitting next to each other. John Kerry nodding at something “profound” Obama just said … or maybe nodding because he saw the camera pointed at him and he wants to look like he’s paying attention.

Biden is choking – I think he’s coughing up a hair plug ball. He keeps getting a drink of water. Maybe that’s vodka.

Ew! Patty Murray! BRB … gotta go puke.

7:04: Hey, People: stop clapping! Let the man finish his lie first! And stop standing up! You’re old – you’re going to break a hip!

Oh, God … Al Franken-stein. Oh, God … Eric Holder. Is it safe? Can I open my eyes again?

“Let us speak with one voice.” Translation: “Don’t bother speaking at all because we have no interest whatsoever in anything you have to say.” Second translation: “Anything WE say will be a lie.”

“If a bill comes across my desk with earmarks in it, I will veto it.” Uh huh … sure you will. Yawn. Shoulda thought of that these past two years, Mr. “I won’t have any lobbyists working in MY White House.”

7:06: “Starting this year, no one will be forbidden from serving the country they love because of who they love.” Let’s qualify that, just in case there are more nut bags enlisted like the Ft. Hood terrorist. And shouldn’t it be “whom” they love?

“Let’s have no illusions about what lies ahead.” Oh, trust me fella, I have NO illusions about what lies ahead of us.

“It’ll be harder because we will argue about everything.” You got THAT one right, dude. We’ll argue because you are always wrong about everything.

7:08: You’re right: I wouldn’t trade places with anyone else on earth. Except the Predator. He’s pretty awesome. I wouldn’t mind being him for a day.

Wow – he’s getting kinda animated now. Calm down Obama. They aren’t encouraged by your words – they’re excited because they know you’re almost done.

Re: Boehner: “… began by sweeping his dad’s bar.” POTUS has NO idea what that is all about. He had to ask his speech writer what “sweeping” was.

Ah yes: new kind of drilling technology… did Brandon invent this as ordered by the government? No? You mean he was an individual exercising his God-given right to pursue his own interests? Hmmm…

7:11: Boy, his speech writers have gone all out, trying to make this guy look like he knows us and is one of us. Still rings jarringly hollow to me.

Yaddah, yaddah. You’re right: there is absolutely nothing he can say that I will buy.

“Thank you! God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America!” Oh, finally! Words I understand!

Oh, no … my wine glass is empty. Time for a refill.

Okay, switched to Fox News because I want to hear real words spoken by the pundits. Charles Krauthammer is giving his analysis. Aha, so Obama calls spending “investment.” I missed that part. Hmmm … Krauthammer doesn’t think it was a very good speech.

Now the O is signing autographs. Hey, when his approval ratings were down in the gutter, shouldn’t we have called him “Lowbama?”

“We do big things.” One of the O’s phrases. I wonder if he chokes when he has to say this stuff?

Bottom line: He said what people wanted to hear. Tomorrow he’ll go back to doing what he does. Back to reality now.

Father’s Day, American Veterans, and Avatar

1. A while ago, I turned on the moderation for comments to my blogs because I was hit with several extremely mean spirited comments. I decided to take off that restriction, and BAM! I was hit with a very snotty response to my blog about “Avatar.” Please note: this is a blog. It isn’t the New York Times. As I told that reader, if you want facts, go to wikipedia. This is a blog about MY opinions.

I stand by my OPINION about the movie “Avatar.” Believe me, I really, really wanted to like this movie because I was blown away by the special effects. They were cutting edge and visually dazzling. But a movie must be more than just its looks, at least for me. I view movies through my own “frame,” as this is how human nature works. If I perceive that the movie’s intent is to do more than entertain – if it’s preaching – I will be on guard throughout the rest of the movie. I believe it’s possible to teach through entertainment, but preaching, especially when it comes off as self-righteous, is just no fun for me. I am now done talking about “Avatar.” Time to move on to other things…

2. I am on the other side of the state right now, getting ready to go to the Veteran’s Home to see my father, who suffers from dementia. This is a man who, at one time, built his own ham radios, computers and was adept at jury rigging many things. Now, he can’t even figure out how to use the telephone. He can no longer walk as his balance is all out of whack, so he’s confined to a wheel chair now. The bright spot in all of this is that the Veteran’s Home is an outstanding facility. The people who work there are truly called and committed. I never worry that this is one of those sad, sad places where the elderly are sent to pasture out their last days.

3. We are here because the home is having a joint Mother’s Day/Father’s Day party for the residents. There will be a band playing and a vintage car show, along with lots of chow. I brought my youngest and my oldest with me. You never know how much longer they’ll get to visit with grandpa. The middle one will hopefully get to see grandpa next month when she heads our way for a visit.

4. June 14th is flag day. Fly your flag proudly, Americans!

This French Guy Was Pretty Smart

I'll take "Great Quotes" for $200, Alex

Americans are so enamored of equality that they would rather be equal in slavery than unequal in freedom. ~ Alexis de Tocqueville

*Thank you Pops for posting this on Facebook!

Chain Letter

Here’s a nifty little chain letter I received from my cousin today:

As a rule, I don’t pass along these “add your name” lists that appear in emails,   but this one is important. It has been circulating for months and has been sent to more than 20 million people.

We don’t want to lose any names on the list so just hit forward and send it on.    Please keep it going!

To show your support for President Obama, please scroll to the very end of the list and add your name.

1. Michelle Obama
2.

Great Quotes

Here are some great quotes that I borrowed from Pop’s Facebook page:

“How do you tell a Communist? Well, it’s someone who reads Marx and Lenin. How do you tell an anti-communist? It’s someone who understands Marx and Lenin.” – Ronald Reagan

“You don’t have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.” – C.S. Lewis

My Apologies!

Yes, that's the Eiffel Tower in the middle of my farm. What of it?

Dear Reader,

I offer my heartfelt apologies for not keeping up with my blog lately. I’ve been distracted by the little things in life: work, keeping house, and playing Farmville on Facebook.

Seriously. Farmville.

It’s a fun little time-occupyer when I have nothing else to do. It’s also something to do when I have a million other things to do, but I’d rather play on my farm than mop the kitchen floor.

I have been keeping up with politics now and then, but frankly, I was getting burned out on all of the blatant bullshit.

I’ve grown tired of defending myself against brainwashed idiots. They show up on my blog and throw out insults and strawman arguments with absolutely no substance or relevance to the topic.

It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even stand to watch Obama talk, never mind hear his voice.  I can’t get beyond his first volley to the other teleprompter. It’s like watching someone who is watching a tennis match. Nauseating.

When Nancy Pelosi shows up on the news and begins to speak, my ears bleed. I think I actually heard her bray one time.

When Harry Reid shows up, my bowels grumble in protest and I have to run for the restroom.

Every time I see Rahm Emmanual on the telly I get the urge to buy some rat poison. Doesn’t he look like a rat? He reminds me of George in “Of Mice and Men.” Slick and smarmy.

Eric Holder: he makes me think of a gigolo – a man who has been bought and is now providing the necessary services.

So I’ve been away from the game of political discourse, recuperating from the grind in a make-believe farm land where I have pink sheep who wear little springy heart thingies on their heads. They’re called “Love Ewes.”

My pretend farm is a much nicer place than the real world of oppression, tyranny and the Chicago way. As one friend suggested, perhaps Zynga should come up with a game called “Bunkerville.” I would definitely sign up for that game!